The Smoking Pinkie
by llxxRawr its Beansxxll
Summary: Based on 'The Smoking Peanut'. I own nothing.


**French Narrator: Ahh, Ponyville Zoo is having its annual Free Day. Free balloons…**

(Spike, disguised in a mustache and trench coat, steals a whole bunch of balloons from Sweetie Belle)

**French Narrator: Free drinks…**

He then fills up a whole barrel full of the drinks.

**French Narrator: Free…light bulbs?**

He unscrews a lightbulb from a lamppost and stuffs it in his coat just as the police arrive.

Spike: Aha! Top of the morning, boys!

The police don't even seem to notice him as they trot past.

Spike: Aha! Next stop; the gift shop.

As Spike heads inside the gift shop to get away with more legal burglary, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie head towards the large amphitheatre wearing hats.

Rainbow: There it is; Ponyville Stadium. Not only do they have the largest Ursa Minor held in captivity, it also does tricks! (male voice) He spits a giant gem 100 feet in the air! Like a cannonball!

She crumples up her hat, chews on it a bit, then reenacts the Ursa Minor's daring trick. Unfortunately, the makeshift gem lands in Sweetie Belle's ice cream.

Pinkie: Why are we hanging around watching some cheap imitation?! Let's get over there!

The two excitedly gallop into the stadium.

Rainbow and Pinkie: This is the greatest day of our lives!

When they get to finding the Ursa Minor, they are the only two in the stadium, for he is asleep.

Pinkie: This is the greatest day of our lives? Boring!

Rainbow: You're right, Pinkie. We came to see (male voice) gems 100 feet in the air! (regular voice) Right? I'll try my Ursa Minor call.

She does a bad impression of how an Ursa Minor sounds, still not rousing him from sleep.

Pinkie: Well, I'm outta here. Thanks for nothing, Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie gets up and walks away.

Rainbow: Come on, come on! Wake up, already!

She grabs her bag of peanuts, checks to see if nopony's around, then throws one at the giant creature. It slowly begins to stir, waking up slowly.

Rainbow: I think it's working!

The Ursa Minor's eyes open, and he frantically looks around for something.

Rainbow: Hey Pinkie, it's waking up!

Pinkie: Oh boy, did I miss it?

Rainbow: No, the show's about to begin!

The Ursa Minor suddenly cries at the top of its lungs, blowing the two out of their seats. Two employees rush in as he hops around the arena, throwing a fit.

Zoo Worker: What's wrong with Berut?

Pony OC: Easy, girl. It's me, Joe, remember?

The Ursa Minor growls and swipes Joe out of the stadium. All the while, Pinkie and a nervous Rainbow Dash are watching from the stands.

Pinkie: Now, this is a show!

Outside, the intercom suddenly comes to life to warn of the impending danger facing the zoo patrons.

_Announcer: Attention, zoo patrons! Berut the giant Ursa Minor is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and gallop around in circles! _

They do as the intercom says and gallop for their lives.

_Announcer: Thanks for coming._

Inside, the situation isn't any better as he continues to destroy things.

Zoo Worker: You ladies better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed Ursa Minor!

He suddenly points menacingly at Rainbow Dash.

Zoo Worker: You didn't do anything that may have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?!

Rainbow: Uh…

Pinkie: No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, Dashie?

She hides the peanut bag behind her back.

Rainbow: Right.

They leave the zoo just as Berut chomps on a piece of metal.

Pinkie: Man, if I see the guy who upset Berut, I've got a few choice words for him, like 'you', and 'are', and…'a jerk'!

They eventually make it to right below Rainbow Dash's floating cloud house.

Pinkie: Are you sure you didn't see anything suspicious?

Rainbow: I already said I didn't, Pinkie! Sheesh!

She starts to fly up, but Pinkie grabs her tail.

Pinkie: Hey, let's investigate this crime and catch the lowlife who's responsible!

Rainbow: Give it a rest, Pinkie! There's no crime to investigate! Now, go home!

She breaks free of Pinkie's grip and settles down on her cloud recliner inside her cloud house.

Rainbow: Stupid Pinkie. I didn't do anything wrong. Ah, what am I getting so worked up about? I'm sure that, by tomorrow, this whole ugly mess will be a funny memory. Hehe.

She turns on the TV, and her chuckles turn back to worry.

TV Announcer: Our top story tonight; giant Ursa Minor has its feelings hurt! The only clue that could be found was this lone peanut! As you can hear, the Ursa Minor continues to emit its horrible cry. A cry so powerful, it can be heard around Equestria.

Pictures are shown of Babs Seed in Manehattan, Braeburn in Appleoosa, and Princess Celestia in Canterlot all covering their ears because of the cries of the Ursa Minor.

TV Announcer: A cry that not only breaks the sound barrier, it breaks the hearts of our citizens!

Cut to Fluttershy, Lyra, and Derpy crying because of the heart-wrenching screams from the gentle giant.

Rainbow Dash looks at the TV with horror.

TV Announcer: What kind of cruel, careless, evil pony would deliberately upset one of Celestia's most gentle creatures?

The announcer wipes away a tear onscreen.

Rainbow Dash can't take any more and turns off the TV. Then, her pet turtle Tank, with a propeller on his back, bursts through the cloud floor.

Rainbow: AAAAAAH! No Tank, how would I know anything about the Ursa Minor?

He gives her a look.

Rainbow: Defensive? I'm not being defensive! Horseradish! What is this, 20 questions or something?

She peers out of her window and gets a good view of the stadium, the source of the cries.

Rainbow: This is getting a little out of hoof. All I did was throw a peanut. I didn't mean to make the Ursa Minor cry. I just wanted to see it perform spectacular stunts! Aw, everypony's gonna hate me! I-I need some advice. Now let's see now, who could never hate me, no matter what I do?

Meanwhile, at the boutique…

Rainbow: RARITY?! RARITY! OH, RARITY!

Rarity, still in her bathrobe, opens the door frustrated.

Rarity: Rainbow Dash, do you have to knock so loudly?

Rainbow: Sorry, neighbor.

Rarity: Oh…that overgrown mammal is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!

Rainbow: Funny thing you should mention that old Ursa Minor, because I…uh…was kind of wondering, um…Let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with it.

Rarity: You know the perpetrator?!

Rainbow gulps.

Rarity: Oh, this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And then, I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!

Rainbow: Um, actually, I-I'm just talking hypothetically.

Rarity: You mean you don't know who did it?

Rainbow: Well, um…I…uh…no.

She slams the door in her friend's face and returns to her bed chamber.

Rainbow: Rarity?

Pinkie: Gotcha!

Rainbow: AAAAAAAH!

Pinkie is in her old detective hat from 'MMMystery on the Friendship Express'.

Pinkie: Where were you on the day of today? Don't play games with me, missy!

Rainbow: Hey, Pinkie. What are you doing?

Pinkie: Oh, hi, Dashie. I'm just continuing my investigation of the great Berut Badgerer!

Rainbow: Um…have you found out anything?

Pinkie: Yes! No wait, uh…no. But this grain of sand looks pretty suspicious, and so does this rock! And I've got a few questions for this little piece of grass! Don't worry, Rainbow Dash! Pinkie's on the case! The truth will be revealed!

Rainbow flies away from her.

Rainbow: I'd better go see Fluttershy! She'll know what to do!

Even deep in the Everfree Forest and covering her ears, Fluttershy and her critters cannot escape the Ursa Minor's wailing.

Fluttershy: Ohh, I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor creature! What kind of inconsiderate pony would upset such a gentle creature?

Rainbow: Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about, Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: Why, when I find out who caused that Ursa Minor so much pain, no more jiggery-pokery!

Fluttershy, with unexpected strength, rips a phone book in half right in front of Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy: Now, what was it you wanted to talk about, Rainbow Dash?

She tries to speak, but just makes a groaning noise with a few seizure-like jerks.

Fluttershy: Um…Rainbow Dash? How come you're all…twitchy like that?

Rainbow Dash: Twitchy? Twitchy?! Who's twitchy?! I'm not twitchy! Sorry, Fluttershy, I have to, um…um…go get my mane cut.

She flies home as fast as she possibly can.

Fluttershy: That's strange. Normally, Rainbow Dash isn't up for such girly activities…More tea, Mr. Pepperpants?

While she is flying low on the ground, Pinkie pops up right in front of her and scares the living daylights out of her.

Pinkie: Hey, Rainbow Dash!

Rainbow Dash falls apart, she is so scared, and her limbs reattach in different places.

Pinkie: This is it! All the clues are coming together. I followed these hoofprints right to this exact spot and then, right where you're standing…I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! Oh, I'm so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it.

She gets close to Rainbow Dash and licks her head, but really, she is just enjoying a multicolored Popsicle.

Pinkie: Boy, crime fighting sure makes you hungry, and this rainbow Popsicle hits the spot!

Rainbow: Okay, good luck with all that, Pinkie, and, um, I guess I'll see you later!

She shuts the door, but as soon as she does, she hears a knock.

Police Pony 1: Open up! Royal Guard!

She is so startled by the sudden appearance that her eyeballs pop right out of their sockets.

Rainbow: Uh, uh, just a second.

Two Pegasi guards of Princess Celestia burst into her home. One flashes his ID, but to a blinded Rainbow Dash.

Royal Guard 1: Are you Rainbow Dash?

Rainbow: Y-y-yes.

Royal Guard 1: Put those eyeballs back in your head, ma'am! We've got a few questions for you.

She grabs them and twists them in her head until they are at the right angle.

Royal Guard 2: Were you at the zoo on the day of the Ursa Minor incident?

Rainbow: (cowering) Y-yes.

Royal Guard 2: Did you or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?

Rainbow: Yes…

She sinks even lower into a corner of the wall.

Royal Guard 2: And are you familiar with this peanut?

He holds out a peanut in a Ziploc bag titled 'Exhibit A'.

Rainbow: Yes!

Royal Guard 2: Just one more question; Is it true that you were at the Ursa Minor's lair with a Miss Pinkie Pie?

She bursts into tears and cries at their hooves.

Rainbow: (sobbing) Yes! Yes! It's true! It's all true! The merriment! The peanut! The Pinkie!

Royal Guard 2: That's all we need to know, ma'am. Let's book her!

The guards put hoofcuffs on Pinkie and lead her into a carriage.

Pinkie: Wow, you guys are good. I'm the last pony I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!

Royal Guard 2: Yeah yeah, tell it to the judge, 'Pinkie'!

They slam the door, then hook themselves to the carriage and fly away with it.

Rainbow: Oh, no! Pinkie's too sensitive for the big house!

She flies and chases after them.

Rainbow: Wait! Stop! I'm the one you want! I am the criminal!

Back at the stadium, Pinkie is chained to the ground while the crowd boos at her from the stands.

Mayor Mare: Hey, everypony! Let's throw peanuts at her and see how she likes it!

The crowd does as the mayor says and throws their peanuts at the pink pony.

Pinkie: I get what I deserve!

She catches a few peanuts in her mouth and eats them, but one hits her on the head.

Pinkie: Ouch.

Rainbow: WAIT! Hold your peanuts! Pinkie Pie is innocent! I have come here to reveal the truth! They say that truth and honesty will be rewarded with trust and forgiveness…

Pinkie begins humming an inspirational tune to accompany Rainbow Dash's speech.

Rainbow: I'm here to lay my cards on the table, to trim the branches of deception from the tree of life, to shave away the unkempt sideburns from the face of truth! I…

Mayor Mare: Hey, just get on with it!

Rainbow: I was the one who threw the peanut! I know now that what I have done was wrong! So I say, I am sorry, giant performing Ursa Minor. I am sorry, Pinkie. I am sorry, citizens of Ponyville.

Pinkie finishes humming as Rainbow ends the speech.

Mayor Mare: Hey! Let's throw peanuts at both of them!

The crowd gets ready to throw their concessions.

Zoo Worker: Wait! Here's the real criminal!

He holds a purple dragon by the arm of his trench coat.

Spike: Uh…top of the morning…?

Rainbow: Spike!

The crowd gasps.

Pinkie: I knew it!

Zoo Worker: Spike has stolen a very important item from the Ursa Minor. Behold!

The crowd groans in disgust as he rips Spike's clothes off, even though he usually goes around naked.

Zoo Worker: Wait a minute…

He puts his clothes back on, then holds up a rare and valuable gem.

Zoo Worker: Behold! The Ursa Minor's child! Here you go, girl.

Little Ursa Minor: Mama! Mama!

Rainbow: Mother of Celestia! That Ursa Minor's an Ursa Major! And that gem's no gem, it's an egg!

Crowd: Aww…

They then turn over to Spike for almost eating a baby Ursa Minor.

Spike: But…it's free day!

They bombard him with peanuts until he is completely buried in them.


End file.
